It is in September 2120.
It is a time of relative peace.
The Apple campus is now a floating city due to sea-level changes. After the Streaming Wars, uneasy alliances were made. Rising temperatures, water scarcity, and shifting borders changed the world forever.
Despite these developments, Apple continues to release new iPhones every year.
(In the dark of the Steve Jobs Theater in Apple City’s floating island-kingdom, a holographic Tim Cook flickers to life.)
TIM COOK: Good morning! Good morning, everyone, and welcome to our 65th year at sea in this, the Steve Jobs iFortress city-state!
(The audience gives HoloTim a standing ovation.)
For those of you in the audience, thank you for once again attending. Note that this is compulsory, goodness no! We’re well into our third generation of Appleites born right here on this island and that is certainly something worthy of celebration.
Now, for those of you watching online, I understand it can be difficult with tedious wireless speeds. We were informed last night that AmazonDisney forces, led by RoboBezos, were able to shoot down hundreds of more satellites. Rest assured, we here at Apple are working diligently to restore WiFi throughout the Facebookistan region. We thank Mark Zuckerberg III for his altruism, even as his once-mighty kingdom crumbles.
(Polite clapping from the audience.)
It’s been a trying year for us. Ever since my consciousness was uploaded to the Apple mainframe roughly 85 years ago, I’ve worked hard to make sure we bring you, our customers, the best phones, earbuds, and weapons on Earth, combining practicality with that sleek Apple elegance you’ve come to expect.
But I’m getting ahead of myself! First, I have a very special surprise. As you may remember, worried about the continued threat from artificial intelligence, Elon Musk uploaded himself to the Tesla mainframe in 2028 and was never heard from again. Over the ensuing years, Apple bought all of Musk’s companies, except for the Boring Company which was purchased by then-human Jeff Bezos in 2033.
Well, I’m excited to say that after years of searching… we’ve found him.
(Wild applause from the audience.)
Yes, we’ve found Elon Musk. And not only that … he’s here.
(Raucous applause increases.)
Everyone, please welcome Apple’s new Chief Operating General of vehicles and weapons, Elon Musk!
(The lights dim. A flash of red light temporarily blinds the audience but doesn’t quiet the cheers. Where the flash was a moment ago is now a towering face that sort of resembles Musk.)
Elon, welcome! For those of you in the audience, Elon has already started his work for us and will be in charge of our innovation and space group, prepping the next iteration of the Apple iShuttle to Mars where he has already established a robot colony.
Do you have anything to add, Elon?
COOK: Thank you, Elon! We’re excited to have you here! The Teslas CyberTank Model X has been a raging success. We can’t wait to see what you do when you convert them to … AMPHIBIOUS UNITS!
(Audience roars its approval.)
That’s right! Soon, we’ll give you the chance to venture farther off this island, into the Pacific, and maybe, one day, all the way to the West Coast of Nevada!
But I know that’s not why everyone is here today and watching on their iPhones around the world. No, we know you tuned in for this.
(HoloTim pulls out a gadget that looks suspiciously like an iPhone 5.)
This is what you’re here for.
(The audience loses its mind with applause and cheers.)
Behold, the iPhone Retro!
We know the iPhone has become really complicated. So we looked back at what we’ve done best over the last 100-plus years. Like the way, we broke the mold with the first iPhone. And the way we courageously removed the headphone jack in 2016. Plus the way we ditched the Lightning Port in 2021 and forced you to buy AirPods.
We thought the best way we could show bravery was by going back to a simpler time. Now, the iPhone Retro will still feature all the stellar features you’ve come to expect from Apple, including the iLaser, 10,000 GB of storage, our patented iChip that reads your mind, a rust-resistant switchblade, our popular iHolo option, a free year’s subscription to Tidal.
I know, I know. I couldn’t resist.
We’ve learned from our failures, including the iPod and iPhone Accordion. You want something simple, elegant, something that can fit in any of the many pockets on your tactical pants. You want something that can resist our steadily increasing temperatures and the intense radiation of our sun now that we have little protective atmosphere left.
(The audience cheers loudly.)
We’re proud to offer you, four different models.
The iPhone Retro, which starts at $5,999, will have all the same features as last year’s iPhone 100X23 but with a slightly better fifth camera. The iPhone Retro Pro, which starts at $6,999, will add a sixth camera and a racing stripe down the back. The iPhone Retro Pro Max, which starts at $10,000, will be a teeny bit bigger than these other two models and include a periscope option along with its own set of AirPod SuperPro Max microscopic earbuds.
We’re also proud to continue our new line of premium phones, like the iPhone Retro Pro Max Gold, which starts at $25,000. This phone adds everything the other models have to offer, but it will come in two new colors!
(Audience oohs and ahs.)
Those colors are purple and, for the first time ever for an iPhone… Orange!
(Audience breaks out in another ovation.)
We look forward to the launch of these new iPhones and we thank you so much for your time today and for your dedication to our products over the decades. Thank you so much!
(Audience begins applauding as HoloTim turns to leave the stage, but then he stops.)
Oh, there’s just one more thing…
(Audience goes wild.)
We here at Apple have long prided ourselves on our independence. We’ve always felt backed by you, our customers and users. And that support has meant the world to us. Whether it was questionable factory conditions or controversial tax plans, YOU stood by us!
(Less enthusiastic clapping from the audience.)
And when you caught us throttling your iPhone batteries, you complained but you still bought it!
You showed us loyalty and how valuable it was to us!
You kept buying our phones even when we were clearly recycling our ideas. Our phones were small then big then bigger than small again … it didn’t matter! We haven’t really innovated since we added holograms to the iPhone XXV.
(Audience begins to mutter.)
And, so, we’ve done the one thing we swore we’d never do.
(Gasps and screams from the crowd as loud, mechanical stomping is heard throughout the theater.)
Ladies and gentlemen, today is about more than just the digital ghost of Elon Musk and a new round of iPhones. Please welcome the new president and co-CEO of the newly created mega-corporation ApplezonDisney, Robo Bezos.
(Robo Bezos bursts through the side of the theater, laughing maniacally and shooting fire from a pair of Boring Company Flamethrowers, one on each hand of his robot suit. The audience screams in horror.)
JEFF BEZOS: WHAT’S UP, APPLE JACKS?? HAHAHAHAHA! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE ME? HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FOOLS!
COOK: Now, Jeff…
BEZOS: LOOK, LOSERS. LET’S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT. YOU COULD NEVER BEAT ME AND YOU NEVER WILL. NEW YORK TRIED TO STOP ME A CENTURY AGO. OH, i’m SORRY, YOU DON’T WANT MY SECOND HEADQUARTERS? FINE! I BOUGHT EACH BOROUGH.
COOK: Jeff, we’re excited to have you and we’re looking for the future, not the past …
(Bezos cuts Cookoff by shooting more flames.)
BEZOS: AND THEN YOU WANTED ME TO PAY MY WORKERS A FAIR WAGE AND IMPROVE THEIR WORKING CONDITIONS? HAHAHAHA OK. WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO? STOP USING AMAZON? EL OH EL AS THEY USED TO SAY. I JUST REPLACED THEM ALL WITH MY ADVANCED ROBOTS. CONGRESSIONAL OVERSIGHT? HA! I **AM** CONGRESS NOW.
COOK: What Jeff means to say is that we’re excited about the synergistic opportunities this union offers us …
BEZOS: YOUR PRIME MEMBERSHIPS FED ME, MADE ME RICH, MADE ME POWERFUL.
COOK: Again, Jeff means that he brings a solid portfolio to …
BEZOS: YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE TO STOP ME BUT YOU KEPT ON GIVING ME YOUR MONEY. THEN WHEN YOU REALIZED WHAT WAS HAPPENING, YOU BEGGED ME TO STOP.
COOK: Uh, Jeff, please…
(RoboBezos turns and fires two jets of fire at HoloTim but the flames go right through him.)
COOK: Now look here, Jeff, we agreed …
(RoboBezos fires two small missiles at a console at the side of the stage. The explosion cuts HoloTim to black and what audience remains runs for the exits, screaming while Bezos fires his flamethrowers again.)
BEZOS: TREMBLE BEFORE YOUR NEW OVERLORD, A GOD OF YOUR OWN MAKING! HAHAHAHAHAHA
(Chris Martin of Coldplay takes the stage.)